Funny Horoscopes

Capricorn: You will be surprised to find an ancient scroll posted through your door this week with a 3000 year old etching of yourself inside. You will realise that you are inside a paradox and that you should never listen to that stranger in five years time. Also, you will run out of cornflakes by Tuesday, but to your relief you will realise you have no milk left anyway by Monday night. Keep things in perspective.

AQUARIUS:  A handsome man is not all he seems. Because, in fact, he is not handsome. Book yourself an optician's appointment as soon as you can, but travel there by bus.

PISCES: You are going through a difficult patch and need to see things from a fresh perspective. Travel to Australia to see your career going down the drain, but in the opposite direction. This will help.

ARIES: A special person was historically resurrected at Easter and this event only occurred once in history. Prove the scholars wrong by snapping up a copy of Michael Jackson's new album, but avoid listening to it around school playgrounds.

TAURUS: Return home to Poland at the earliest opportunity. Your dog is ill. If you have no dog, it may be your cat. Hurry.

GEMINI: Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, be open to the possibility you may be a vampire. Avoid silver bullets.

CANCER: You need a fresh challenge in life. Consider swimming the English Channel, but ensure you have all the arrangements in place in case you don't make it and your body washes ashore at Calais.

LEO: Accept that Bill Posters deserves to be prosecuted. He's been warned repeatedly. Also, don't play ball games.

VIRGO: Why does everybody apart from you seem to know what they are doing? Check with your Post Office to see whether your personal autocue has gone missing. If you have no Post Office, reflect on whether it was wise to vote Labour at the last election.

LIBRA: That lucky escape you had a few years back, wasn't actually a lucky escape at all. You died which is why your kids always seem to be ignoring you. Its time you knew the truth, its not just that they're teenagers.

SCORPIO: You get better looking everyday. I bet you just can't wait until tomorrow!

SAGITTARIUS: The widow of an African political leader will offer you $10m sometime this week by email. Why not send us the administration fee instead?