Capricorn: You will be surprised to find an ancient scroll posted
through your door this week with a 3000 year old etching of yourself inside. You
will realise that you are inside a paradox and that you should never listen to
that stranger in five years time. Also, you will run out of cornflakes by
Tuesday, but to your relief you will realise you have no milk left anyway by
Monday night. Keep things in perspective.
AQUARIUS: A handsome man is not all he seems. Because, in fact, he
is not handsome. Book yourself an optician's appointment as soon as you can, but
travel there by bus.
PISCES: You are going through a difficult patch and need to see
things from a fresh perspective. Travel to Australia to see your career going
down the drain, but in the opposite direction. This will help.
ARIES: A special person was historically resurrected at Easter
and this event only occurred once in history. Prove the scholars wrong by
snapping up a copy of Michael Jackson's new album, but avoid listening to it
around school playgrounds.
TAURUS: Return home to Poland at the earliest opportunity. Your
dog is ill. If you have no dog, it may be your cat. Hurry.
GEMINI: Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you
see nothing, be open to the possibility you may be a vampire. Avoid silver
CANCER: You need a fresh challenge in life. Consider swimming
the English Channel, but ensure you have all the arrangements in place in case
you don't make it and your body washes ashore at Calais.
LEO: Accept that Bill Posters deserves to be prosecuted.
been warned repeatedly. Also, don't play ball games.
VIRGO: Why does everybody apart from you seem to know what they
are doing? Check with your Post Office to see whether your personal autocue has
gone missing. If you have no Post Office, reflect on whether it was wise to vote
Labour at the last election.
LIBRA: That lucky escape you had a
few years back, wasn't actually a lucky escape at all. You died which is why
your kids always seem to be ignoring you. Its time you knew the truth, its not
just that they're teenagers.
SCORPIO: You get better looking everyday.
I bet you just can't wait until tomorrow!
SAGITTARIUS: The widow of an African
political leader will offer you $10m sometime this week by email. Why not send
us the administration fee instead?